She's coming to eat you!

Warning: this blog can probably be considered both insensitive and not PC.

Picture this:

You are walking down the streets of downtown Seattle. There is a moderate amount of foot traffic around.

You notice a lady standing in the sidewalk. She doesn’t look like a business person, but perhaps a tourist.

Little do you know…she is…

crazy lady.

She starts walking ahead of you at a normal pace, but you sense that something isn’t quite right.

Then you realize, she is staring at you. In a mirror. That she is holding in front of her face.

You glance at the mirror. She is literally staring right at you in her little mirror as she walks in front of you. Creepy.

You try to pretend like you didn’t see anything. The best thing to do with crazies is generally to ignore them. Under no circumstances should you let them know that you are paying attention to them because this will either 1) freak them out and make them think that you are stalking them or judging them or going to kill them, or 2) encourage them to do more crazy things because now they have an audience for their antics.

But this doesn’t seem to work. She just keeps staring at you.

As you walk along, your pace is slightly faster than her’s, so you are catching up with her. Now you notice the murmuring. Bad sign. And she’s still staring at you.

You pick up your pace more in order to pass her and hopefully escape.

Just as you are about to make the move to pass, she stops in her tracks turns toward you and proceeds to run into you all the while exclaiming with wild gesticulations of the mirror in her hand,

“This isn’t the direction I was supposed to go!”

She bumbles past you and goes a different direction. You don’t watch where because you are checking your purse to make sure you didn’t just get pick-pocketed.

All the contents of your purse are fine, so you breathe a sigh of relief and continue moving on down the street to do your errands. You think you’ve escaped.

You are wrong.

On the return trip, you think, “I’ll take a different route to go back,” since there were so many particularly unsavory characters on the street you had taken before (other than the crazy woman).

Crazy woman has almost left your mind.

You approach a cross walk, and think, “I know that parka.”

Crazy lady.

She is standing in the direction you want to go. And she’s staring at you again!

At this point you’re a little freaked out and think “Holy Crap, I think she’s stalking ME!” You quickly maneuver in order to try and avoid coming anywhere near crazy lady. She somehow outmaneuvers you and ends up having the loudest sneeze, right on your shoes. The sneeze is so loud and unexpected that it scares the living daylights out of you and now all you want to do is run away!

But you can’t because you are in heels.

So you settle for trying to place as many people between you and her lumbering stride. That’s right she’s following you.

You look back and see her coming, so you really pick up the pace. You manage to reach a cross walk just as the red hand is blinking, so you run across in order to make the light. You dash up the steps to your building and quickly glance behind you.

But crazy lady is gone.

My immortal cell phone

My phone will never die.

It will never get lost. It will never break. It will never do anything to give me a legitimate excuse to go buy a new phone.

Let me explain.

I’ve had this phone since 2005. It was the free model back then. I’ve thrown it. Dropped it. Not treated it well at all. Pretty much the only thing I haven’t done is drop it in water. Yesterday, I left it at a restaurant. The thought struck me this morning walking to the bus.

“Oh crap! I left my phone at the restaurant. I’LL NEVER GET IT BACK!” ADRENALINE!!! PANIC!!!

I checked my purse. It definitely wasn’t there. I ran back home to see if maybe I had left it on my dresser or night stand or something, even though I knew I hadn’t taken it out, I thought just maybe it might be sitting there happily, and I will walk in and go, “Oh thank God!” and hug it and then the world would be good. But it wasn’t there.

I sped back to the bus stop and hopped the bus to work thinking I would run to the restaurant and see if just maybe they have it, but also thinking that they likely wouldn’t have it because things just seem to disappear whenever they are left at restaurants and then I would have lost all my phone numbers and pictures and all those special text messages from my family and boyfriend, and CRAP CRAP CRAP why does this happen to ME! That was pretty much my thought process.

As the bus went along to work, the adrenaline subsided and the rational thought process resumed in my brain and I realized that, wait… If I’ve lost my phone (which I’ve had forever ANYWAY)…I would HAVE to get a new phone…

SWEET!!!!

Now I start thinking, “Oooo I can get a blackberry! Or…maybe…an iphone? I can go play with phones this weekend!” It was frightening how quickly losing my phone became a good thing.

The bus pulls up to my stop. I ran to the restaurant where we ate the night before, totally confused about whether I should hope that they have my phone or that they don’t.

“I think I may have left my phone here last night” I tell a gal cleaning the windows of the restaurant. She goes into this back room and comes out looking very apologetic, “No, no one left a phone in the lost and found last night that fits your description. I’m sorry.”

It looked like the pendulum might be swinging towards a new phone!

Hostess continues, “but let me check around…” as she starts looking around the hostess podium, “sometimes people just stash stuff in here…oh look! Here it is!”

ARG.

No new phone.

But I managed to still keep all of my phone numbers and pictures. Now I just have to come up with the will power to go buy a new phone, while still having one that functions.

I blame this inability to buy something new when you have an old one that still works on my mother.

My mom has a microwave that is older than me. Why? Because it still works.

I’m cursed.

My phone just laughs at me. “I will never DIE! You will have to use my inferior camera and 10 key texting forever!!! HAHAHAHAHA”